Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Why I'm still fat (will contain swear words)

Today, I am not smiling. Maybe angry. I don't know. You know how sometimes something happens and you get a lightbulb moment though ? I had one of those today.

I've been fat most of my life. I've been able to lose weight every now and then, but I gradually became what I am today, 5 ft 3 . 273 pounds. Healthy as a horse (well, so far :P ) , happy as a clam in my own little world, well, as happy as I can be without the general hassles that come with work and my personal life that sometimes goes crashing down with every bit of bad news I get.

My Youtube channel and Facebook page are named "SandrineSmiles" for a reason. I do have a rather positive outlook on life. I'm not the typical negative Nelly in the sense that I don't feel this is a productive way to live.

I am, however, a somewhat rational person and there are times when things hit me like a ton of bricks. Like that thing about being fat.

See, a few years ago, I realized I didn't need to be thin for people to like me. I just needed not to be an asshole or a huge bitch. I needed to be caring. I needed to listen. And, come to think of it, I liked it. Loved it so much I almost got lost in the shuffle, helping out and listening more than I would listen to myself.

It even came to the point where I went "screw this, if you can't handle me like this there's no reason for me to be anything different if you won't even take me as I am" . But I just used this as a mental crutch, trying to comfort myself in the fact that there are nice people out there who don't judge books by their covers and who can appreciate people in all shapes and sizes.

And today it hit me. This is why I'm still fat. It's because there are still assholes out there who think dealing with the public should be done by "pretty" people. It's because my body sees no reason to cater to that stupid standard. It's because I'm sick and tired of being seen as a glutton when all I'm trying to do it take life as it comes.

My legs aren't strong enough to go after the carrots life is trying to dangle in front of my nose as if I was a hungry donkey or rabbit. At least, I used to think so. But maybe that's not it.

Maybe my body has decided that darn it, I'll earn that carrot one way or another through my work, through my spirit, through the things I do. Not through someone's silly idea of what constitute a nice appearance. I'm fully aware that showing up to work in smelly clothing and reeking of poop would be nasty and NOT good, but I wasn't aware that having a few (okay, okay, a lot :D ) extra pounds would matter so much.

Sure, I don't really "do" makeup. Sure, I don't wear skinny jeans. Or heels (who invented those torture devices anyway ?) , but I still buy them because to me they're like feet jewellery. 

But if you ask me to do a job, you can bet your ass you'll have what you need. I'll work my ass off for you. I'll be a good listener for friends. I'll help you out when I can if you need me. I'll be happy to do many things with you. I'll be the nice stranger that helps you carry your baby carriage up the stairs. I'll be the nice lady who steps aside on the bus to let pregnant women or old people sit down. Heck, considering my support for LGBT people, I'll even be the one clapping during Pride, wearing as much rainbows as I can get (what can I say, I love color).

However, I'm not going to "photoshop myself" in real life to do that. The day society accepts me as I am for what I can bring it "as is" might be the day I really lose all that extra weight. 

My boyfriend accepts me as I am. I'll try a little for him. My family teases me gently about things. I'll stubbornly drink my soda.

Society decides to impose its silly view of a "nice appearance" on me ?

Screw this, I'm going to MacDonald's. 

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