Sunday, December 21, 2014


I was the good friend for so long. 

You know the one. The one who listens. The shoulder to cry on. The one that comes over when you don't feel well. The one that gives you any money she has left despite knowing full well she might need it later because you're in a tight spot. Yeah, I'm that kind of person. And I think I will forever be.

Except for one teeny tiny little detail. I didn't start growing some kind of confidence until I was 18. I felt gross, I felt fat, I felt nothing nice would ever happen. I met a new nice friends, I became addicted to computers and met a few others (and kept meeting them along the way).

But I was still that good friend. That one who tries to give you advice. Even when sometimes you might not be asking for it (and I learnt how to stop that because even I could go too far at times). 

I guess this attitude has its limits though. You open yourself to help, to save, to be there. You open yourself up so much that you forget you even exist. Usually, that means you also become somewhat of an enabler. You exist because you help, and you just can't be left without anyone to help. You forget you can be your own person. You keep to your bubble when you're alone, you have a hard time finishing anything because there's always someone to save out there.

Guess what ? While it can be hard, this endless cycle of forgetting who you are can end. There were triggers for me. I can't say I'm completely repaired yet, but boy have those triggers helped me. Those triggers are actually people. People who have shown me they don't need to use me to appreciate me. People who have shown me they just... like me. Some wanted me... sometimes it was my body, but my body needed those triggers too. 

I can't say I won't be the good friend anymore. After all, that's in my nature. However, whoever wants to be my friend will have to assume responsibility for their choices.

I will hold your hand.
I will listen.
I will be there.
I will tell you you're an idiot when you're being an idiot.
I will praise you when you do something awesome.
I will mourn with you should you lose someone.
I will suffer with you when you get hurt.
And there's a lot more where that comes from, except I can't just write it all out here (it would take a while, I suppose) .

I'm just hoping you're ready to do some of the same for me.

I don't want to be shut down when I start talking to you.
I don't want to be mocked because some things I like are silly.
I don't want to be made to feel guilty for being sick or unavailable.

I want to understand you, I want to know you, I want to respect you.

If you feel you can do the same, I'm all ears, and I'm pretty sure we can get along just fine.

Just a warning though: I'm still pretty darn nuts, and I won't hesitate to show it. So... good luck ? And also : welcome to my world.

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