The best compliment one could ever pay me

Hi everyone! Yup, I'm back... sorta. The itch to write is always around, but making time to compose my thoughts and arrange them in a semi coherent manner has proven to be quite difficult. Oh well ;)

I was thinking today about compliments and things people have told me, and I think today I just found the one that kinda touched me the most. See, I've been told I am nice, beautiful, "delicious" (but the context was, ahem, particular) , and many other nice things. But these words were about who I am, either in body or in personality. So while I love hearing people tell me how much they like me (even when they don't, since having diverse opinions is good) ... it's not everything. Okay, I'll admit it, there were two exceptions: a friend told me I was a precious gift to him and my partner told me he still loved me at a difficult time and it made me cry, but you get the general idea :) .

Now there is something else I'm told quite often. It's about my English. Last time it happened, I was in a meeting with new people and we were talking in English the whole time because we were from many different places. At some point, I mention how long I have been studying English (about 17-18 years now) and a very nice Italian lady's eyes go wide and she tells me "Wait... you're FRENCH ?" , which made me smile.

Sometimes, it does sound like I brag. I'll admit it: sometimes, I do, but that's mostly because that's what I'm the most confident in. And that's my work. That's something I learnt to do. That's not something I can't control, and given the amount of work I've put in over the years in... err... things, let's just say I'm proud I managed to get to this level. 

It's so little and so big at the same time. But it means a lot. 

So to anyone who ever read/heard me and told me I have a pretty good grasp of English: THANK YOU. You have helped restore my broken confidence, and you have made me stronger because of it all.

2014, brand new year, brand new life ?

Ha, how funny can life be at times...

I just moved. It was necessary, it took a while, but I found a place (and they accepted my application!) that I am trying to settle in. Well, trying being the key word here as it seems I'm so clueless that I forgot... the blankets. Yeah. Thank Goodness Mom is probably coming over in a bit to bring me a blanket. I don't care if the rest takes time, but hehhh...

Work is still work. I'm not surprised by things anymore even though it can still sting sometimes.

There's a part of me that's growing, too. Moving is proving to be quite the experience, and while I had moved before, it was never in my own apartment... aaaah.

Have a good 2014, everyone :D !

Hello 2013! - Interpals

Yes, I know, I'm late to the party :P .

I'm still alive and kicking. Went through a few things, but heh, life goes on. I'm preparing another mini-trip to London this weekend (will be posting pictures for sure) but today I wanted to post also because I discovered awesome websites... but I'm still scratching my head at people's behavior.

The websites are "Couchsurfing" and "Interpals". I wanted to make new friends all over the world and, well, Facebook isn't quite helping in terms of diversity, and a friend, who uses those two regularly, invited me to them.

Couchsurfing has an awesome concept. Instead of a hotel, BOOM, see if anyone is available, save money but more than that, make new friends at the same time! Awesome idea.

Interpals is more about being "penpals" , be it through snail mail or email. I like this one better because you can actually choose countries and talk to people from there. It's nice.

But there is one beef.

One teeny tiny beef.

There is a "Requests" section. One dude wrote "No gay" on it... I wish I had remembered to report the profile. I thought it was nasty.

But here's what mine says :

Requests: 
Please do NOT write to me if you are looking for a relationship.
Also, please make an effort when writing to me. If you don't say anything, then I won't have anything to say in return.

Not much, really. I don't care if you're a guy, a girl, or where you're from.

But I've had over 20 people (no joke) writing with either a "Hello" or a "U so beautiful" or "Here is my skype" that it's kinda painful to read. Blocked/deleted right away.

Not trying to be a beeyotch, mind you. But I like actual conversations better. Already made one friend in Japan! So happy!

Why I'm still fat (will contain swear words)

Today, I am not smiling. Maybe angry. I don't know. You know how sometimes something happens and you get a lightbulb moment though ? I had one of those today.

I've been fat most of my life. I've been able to lose weight every now and then, but I gradually became what I am today, 5 ft 3 . 273 pounds. Healthy as a horse (well, so far :P ) , happy as a clam in my own little world, well, as happy as I can be without the general hassles that come with work and my personal life that sometimes goes crashing down with every bit of bad news I get.

My Youtube channel and Facebook page are named "SandrineSmiles" for a reason. I do have a rather positive outlook on life. I'm not the typical negative Nelly in the sense that I don't feel this is a productive way to live.

I am, however, a somewhat rational person and there are times when things hit me like a ton of bricks. Like that thing about being fat.

See, a few years ago, I realized I didn't need to be thin for people to like me. I just needed not to be an asshole or a huge bitch. I needed to be caring. I needed to listen. And, come to think of it, I liked it. Loved it so much I almost got lost in the shuffle, helping out and listening more than I would listen to myself.

It even came to the point where I went "screw this, if you can't handle me like this there's no reason for me to be anything different if you won't even take me as I am" . But I just used this as a mental crutch, trying to comfort myself in the fact that there are nice people out there who don't judge books by their covers and who can appreciate people in all shapes and sizes.

And today it hit me. This is why I'm still fat. It's because there are still assholes out there who think dealing with the public should be done by "pretty" people. It's because my body sees no reason to cater to that stupid standard. It's because I'm sick and tired of being seen as a glutton when all I'm trying to do it take life as it comes.

My legs aren't strong enough to go after the carrots life is trying to dangle in front of my nose as if I was a hungry donkey or rabbit. At least, I used to think so. But maybe that's not it.

Maybe my body has decided that darn it, I'll earn that carrot one way or another through my work, through my spirit, through the things I do. Not through someone's silly idea of what constitute a nice appearance. I'm fully aware that showing up to work in smelly clothing and reeking of poop would be nasty and NOT good, but I wasn't aware that having a few (okay, okay, a lot :D ) extra pounds would matter so much.

Sure, I don't really "do" makeup. Sure, I don't wear skinny jeans. Or heels (who invented those torture devices anyway ?) , but I still buy them because to me they're like feet jewellery. 

But if you ask me to do a job, you can bet your ass you'll have what you need. I'll work my ass off for you. I'll be a good listener for friends. I'll help you out when I can if you need me. I'll be happy to do many things with you. I'll be the nice stranger that helps you carry your baby carriage up the stairs. I'll be the nice lady who steps aside on the bus to let pregnant women or old people sit down. Heck, considering my support for LGBT people, I'll even be the one clapping during Pride, wearing as much rainbows as I can get (what can I say, I love color).

However, I'm not going to "photoshop myself" in real life to do that. The day society accepts me as I am for what I can bring it "as is" might be the day I really lose all that extra weight. 

My boyfriend accepts me as I am. I'll try a little for him. My family teases me gently about things. I'll stubbornly drink my soda.

Society decides to impose its silly view of a "nice appearance" on me ?

Screw this, I'm going to MacDonald's. 

Don't judge a book by its cover

Ha!

I'm fat and over the years, I've heard the comments. I've read the articles online. People seem to associate fat and sickness all the time.

I'm not saying fat people don't suffer from illnesses, but...

No diabetes.
No cholesterol.
No hypertension.
My heart is fine...

HA!

It won't hurt me to lose some weight. That's for sure. If only for the clothing ;) .

My doctor said it best :

"Psychologically, you are wonderful. You have this stomach here that you acknowledge while saying "Screw this!"

Yup. Screw this. Eventually I'll lose some weight for long term benefits, but as it stands... Screw you indeed if you think being fat automatically makes someone a lazy sick useless person :) .